Conflict Avoidance: Don’t Let it Ruin your Business

By Anne Alexander

625028_lets_talk_about_itRecently I shared with my readers a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, who said: “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I asked you to send me your stories about doing something that scared you in the service of your own progress and growth.

I got some great responses and want to share one that touched on an issue that is nearly universal: how to deal with conflict constructively.

This reader wrote that after reading the quote and invitation, she gathered her courage and spoke to a friend whose behavior had been intimidating her for a long time. It ended up being a productive conversation and she and her friend got back on track. Afterward, she thanked me for helping her realize she had the power in her own hands. She faced her fears and acted in spite of them.

A common issue in working with my coaching clients is how to talk with someone about a problem – whether it is about a disagreement you are in the midst of, or it is about an agreement they broke with you.

I recommend to my clients the books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations both by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler. These are excellent books based on over 25 years of studying 20,000 people who had learned to be masterful communicators through their own trial and error.

Here are a couple of key suggestions from the books to keep in mind:

1. Start by creating safety by confirming mutual purpose and mutual respect. Mutual purpose means you both are working toward a common goal, such as growing a great company or coming up with the best sales promotion.

Mutual respect applies, as well, even if you have different opinions about the situation. If people feel that you don’t respect them, it’s impossible to have a productive conversation. They will start to defend their dignity.

2. Avoid what is called the “fundamental attribution error” (what a mouthful!) where you decide the reason someone is acting they way they are is because of a permanent character flaw, rather than situational reasons. Better to assume this person has good reasons for acting the way they are by asking yourself: “Why would a rational, reasonable person be acting this way?” Better yet, talk to the person and don’t assume you know why they are acting (or have acted) the way they are.

3. Use nonjudgmental, factual language that is based on observable facts. We often confuse our story with the facts. The authors ask you to ask yourself: “Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior?”

Example:

Fact: Your co-presenter gave 95% of the presentation and answered all but one question. Story: Your co-presenter doesn’t trust you.

Conclusions are subjective, so be careful with your language and also see the next tip.

4. Use tentative language: “It sounds like perhaps…” I’m starting to wonder if…” “I’ve noticed something that seems like…” “I know this is probably not true, but…” This is not being timid; rather it helps prevent a strong reaction in the other person. When we use strong black or white language, we can usually count on a strong reaction back.

Check out these books for a lot more guidance on skillfully handling challenging conversations. But whatever you do, don’t avoid challenging situations for too long. As with my subscriber who emailed in, you have business and personal relationships which depend on your doing just that. At the heart of successful business is great communication.

The only way to get great at communication is to practice! That includes stumbling along the way, but like any skill, you do get better. So whether something happened a long time ago or you’re in the midst of it right now, gather your courage, take some new skills, and practice. You have only your limitations to lose and amazing breakthroughs to gain.


Anne Alexander is a coach who works with business owners, executives and professionals as their strategic partner to grow their business or career, improve their effectiveness and reach their goals. For Anne’s free, popular 8 part e-course “Maximize Your Professional Success,” send a blank email to mailto:maximize@authentic-alternatives.com or visit http://www.authentic-alternatives.com

Work From Home – Become a Life Coach

1133482_hot_coffeeDuring the final years of my corporate career in London, the idea of working from home was steadily gaining greater acceptance as an alternative to doing duty in the office with all the commuting time and inconvenience that that involved.

Friday was a favourite day for staff to stay at home and work remotely, no doubt because the thought of a long commute home at the end of a tiring week was the final straw that threatened to break the loyal office worker’s back!

I, myself, used to take advantage of the work-at-home movement on a Friday because I had a particularly long and tiring multi-mode commute to and from work; two hours each way courtesy of a car, a train, the underground and my own two feet!

It soon became clear to me that, with modern technology, working from home could, under certain circumstances, be as productive, in fact more productive, than the conventional approach of slogging into the office every day.

Sure, there were times when face-to-face meetings were important and building rapport required personal interactions – but by and large, working remotely was very effective.

There’s something about having the flexibility to do things the way you want to do them; to choose your breaks when you want them and not to have to live up to the expectations of others in terms of how you dress, the way you choose to sit in your chair or the state in which you keep your desk.

Unfortunately, the concept of working from home is still sneered at by less progressive companies and managers, many of whom harbour suspicions that ‘an employee not seen is an employee not working’!

Let’s be honest, for those less-than-committed employees, the temptation to pursue other interests is probably greater at home, but then less-than-committed employees are hardly likely to be genuinely more committed just because they’re under the watchful eye of the boss.

Working from home is, to my mind, the way of the future as advances in technology rapidly overcome the practical hurdles previously associated with remote working.

It just makes so much more sense.

In fact, it’s not just the convenience and lower cost associated with working from home that will, in my opinion, cause the explosion of this trend, but the unprecedented access to needed skills that remote-working technology is starting to unleash.

Think about this for a moment…

You’re a top class creative working in the field of advertising in South Africa. A London based advertising agency has just won a big contract from a leading European car maker who is seeking greater penetration of the UK market. They desperately need good people – people like you – to work on the account.

Until recently, being based in South Africa would have disqualified you from such an opportunity but with advances in technology, things have changed.

You have the right skills, you are English speaking and you have a good sense for the product and the market. Your choice of where to live and work from is no longer such an issue, thanks to the Internet and related technologies. In fact being based in South Africa becomes a two-way advantage. You can charge less than your European counterparts and still live just as well.

More and more, companies will look beyond their traditional city and country bases to find the right skills at the lowest cost. Work will be outsourced. People with the best skills-fit offering the best value for money for their services will be contracted for the required duration, rather than being hired as costly full-time employees.

The world of business is changing quickly and dramatically, thanks to what I call ‘global village technologies’.

What does all this have to do with life coaching?

Actually, everything!

One of the questions I get asked most often by people considering a career in life coaching, is:

“Do you think there is sufficient demand in my area?”

Sometimes, when the prospect is calling in from “Tweebuffelsmeteeenskootgeskietfontein” (for readers unfamiliar with South Africa this is our, admittedly mythical, equivalent to a ‘one horse town’) my honest answer has to be: “No”.

But that’s my answer to the wrong question!

You see, life coaching is, in my admittedly somewhat biased opinion, the world’s best work-from-home business.

Helping people transform their lives is a skill that transcends geographical boundaries and, with the advent of increasingly cheaper telephone calls and free Internet based telephony like Skype, offering life coaching services to people located at the other end of the country – or half way around the world for that matter – is now constrained only by possible timing and language differences.

So, if you are passionate about people and you dream of the perfect lifestyle business – where you can work from home when it suits you and work with clients that speak your language, anywhere in the country or the world, bringing them greater personal freedom, improved self-confidence and growth – then I urge you to consider life coaching.


Bill Burridge is a South African entrepreneur with 27 years of corporate experience. His company, New Insights Africa, is dedicated to developing a network of high quality, independent life coaches, inspired to bring personal freedom, confidence and growth to people from all walks of life in South Africa. The company’s core product is a unique, high quality, home study certification program in life coaching. http://www.life-coach-training-sa.com

Stuck In A Powerless Comfort Zone? How to Reclaim Personal Power

1156948_white_eye1“People will suffer almost anything as long as it means they don’t have to change.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Life is a series of ups and downs, twists and turns. You can approach the roller coaster of life with arms high in the air; willingly and ready for whatever comes next. Or you can grip the handlebars and fear for your life. The choice is yours. A “next” is guaranteed if you are still breathing. As such, change is inevitable and certain.

Yet so many people fear change. Even as masters of our own destiny, deliberately choosing our own paths can sometimes be intimidating. Everyone has the ability to create positive changes in their lives, yet distorted fear-based perceptions often lead to the treadmill of a stuck-in-a-rut comfort zone of existence. Many people believe that they are inadequate or incapable of handling a new situation. New situations, entering into new zones of being are, therefore, are scary. Even if a person doesn’t particularly like their comfort zone, like an old worn-out baby “bankie”, it feels safe.

When a strong self-worth is in place, change is seen as a welcomed opportunity for growth and personal fulfillment. Enthusiastic creative energy is activated instead of debilitating fear. The person with a growth mindset eagerly reaches for a continuous flow of new positive experiences, while the person with a fixed, fear of change, mindset will dig-in and stay put in current patterns of behavior that generate more of the same stuck-in-a-rut experiences. Fear of change is the work of your Inner Critic, the voice of your fear and self-doubt.

There is a way to tell if you’re resistant to change; dragging the reluctant along as you go about your life. You have an inner guidance system that I playfully call your Inner Wizard. This is the voice of your intuition and inspiration. As your Muse it serves up emotion to tell you if you’re resisting or embracing change. If you feel uncomfortable, lethargic, anxious or more extreme feelings of desperation and depression your Inner Wizard is telling you that you are holding on to a comfort zone that is not working for you even if you feel safe within it.

If you are willing and available for growth and change you feel good. You great each day with renewed energy and wonderment. It’s that simple. If you feel tired and unfulfilled then you have given your power to make positive changes over to your Inner Critic who is unyielding to any sort of change beyond where it feels safe. If you have given up your power, then you are powerless to change your circumstance – until you reclaim your power.

To reclaim your personal power, examine your comfort zone. There is power in writing down your examination discoveries in a journal. The writing process takes moves the flying monkey-mind thoughts of the Inner Critic and puts them onto a page where you can look and examine how you make choices, what criteria you base your actions that deliver the existence you are experiencing.

What, specifically, are you afraid of? What stops you from moving forward in the direction of your dreams? Fear of change begins to lose its power upon this initial examination. As you dig deep into the underlying thoughts and believes that generate your fear, their power to limit you begins to diminish. Deliberately look for evidence that contradicts those thoughts and beliefs.

For example, ask yourself, – What’s the worse that could happen? – What would happen if the worst happened? – How realistic is that? – How can I know, absolutely, that the worst will happen? – What positive experiences could come out of the change? – Can I point to any positive examples of people doing those things, living that experience, now? – How realistic is the positive possibility? – If other people have done it, why not me? (check for and examine further Inner Critic self-doubt on this one) – Who would I be, what would I do and what would I have if I had a positive change outcome? – What is one thing, one simple thing, I can do in this moment to move forward positively into a new and better comfort zone?

Then do that one thing. And the next.

Before long, you’ll realize that what you feared was a misguided belief, not a truth. You are stronger and more capable than you gave yourself credit for. No longer enslaved by your Inner Critic, you have regained your personal power and a healthy sense of self-worth.

Pay attention to your emotions as you continue to move forward. Trust in yourself and the creative process of life. Tap into your inner wisdom, your intuition, your Muse, and the Wizard within for guidance and support. You will always be safe.


Copyright © 2009 Valery Satterwhite; Valery Satterwhite is an Artist Mentor who specializes in empowering people to create more profoundly, more prolifically, and more profitably. Learn how to trust your intuition, acknowledge your truth, and disarm your fear and self-doubt. Valery developed a proven unique “Inner Wizard” methodology to empower the Wizard Within to actualize and express full potential. Join now at http://www.InnerWizard.com . Get Free “Inner Wizard tips” too!